#humor

"Sometimes I think it is a great mistake to have matter that can think and feel. It complains so. By the same token, though, I suppose that boulders and mountains and moons could be accused of being a little too phlegmatic."

"She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you"with "May I take your order?"

"Networking is like fishing. Just give some beer and a boat and I’ll be in business."

"Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?"Harry interrupted again."So he can sneak up on people,"said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking..."

"I’ve had a tense couple of days. And I’ve got to tell you, burning someone’s face off sounds like a great way to relax."

"As I am sure you know, when people say 'It's my pleasure,' they usually mean something along the lines of, 'There's nothing on Earth I would rather do less.' [...]"

"The first step to running a successful business, is printing out pictures of all the luxury items you’re going to buy once you get rich."

"A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil."

"I believe more in the scissors than I do in the pencil."

"You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I'll buy you a pony."

"An eternity of wishing to speak directly to my Creator - I thought in despair - and this is how He finally contacts me? Through AOL Instant Messenger?"

"Pain vs. Pleasure {Couplet} Pain and pleasure are nearly identical,the difference lies in their temporal perception.Pleasure feels fleeting, pain feels unending;both jolt us at the nerve's first inception."

"Let's Celebrate! Photoshop Turns 25 This Week [10w] I bought a fake passport on Fiverr.Don't tell Mexico."

"Taste [10w] + [10w] "If you have sophisticated taste, you like what I like.If you're a Neanderthal, you will love what I hate."

"Where's Ralph Waldo Emerson When you Need Him? A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds;as opposed to bigger hobgoblins with bigger dicks, doing all sorts of ghoulish shit behind the Venetian blinds."

"Balt Van Tassel was an easy indulgent soul; he loved his daughter better even than his pipe, and, like a reasonable man and an excellent father, let her have her way in everything."

"The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming."

"Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental."

"I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them."

"Ruminating Poetry A poem should be eaten in one sittingbut regurgitated often like a ruminant's food."