#humor

"So it's true. You can walk in sunlight. I thought perhaps it might have worn off.""If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know."

"Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?"

"I think computer viruses should count as life ... I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image."

"I wish I could grow swords like I can roses. Wouldn’t war be so romantic then? Then the U.S. could really show the world how much it loves it."

"Cookie Cutter Criticism A critic tried to fit my sense of humor in a cookie cutter,but it wouldn't fit his preconceived shape of what comedy should be.So he pressed harder, and harder and harder until the cookie cutter cut a cookie shaperight through the palm of his hand.It doesn't hurt anymore when the critic tries to slap me in the face.There's no more hot-air resistance."

"See? This is why I'm not religious. I couldn't possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else."

"Cutthroat Competition [10w] If competition becomes cutthroatit suggests business has become piracy."

"01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep."

"Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or –""Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet.""Great idea though, thanks, Mum."

"I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate."

"Pacifism There's nothing like seeing action in war to turn a soldier into an instant pacifist or an instant killer."

"Well, I’m not kissing the mundane,"said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot.""Forever?"said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time."Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it,"he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?"

"Speak to the Head [10w] + {Couplet} Tis of no fucking availTo speak to the tail."

"Look on the bright side,"said Simon, "If they need a human sacrifice, you can always offer me. I'm not sure the rest of you qualify anyway."

"The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid."

"A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love."

"Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march."

"She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.""Define BETTER with that guy.""Not all fangs and raaaaar."

"I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay."

"Down there between our legs, it's like an entertainment complex in the middle of a sewage system. Who designed that?"