Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

"I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump."

"I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert."

"When I’m in a relationship, I love like a burrito. And if you’re a taco, don’t talk to me. At our core we may seem similar, but trust me, we are two different items on the menu."

"Napoleon made war like I make love—from a height of about 68 centimeters. (I wear platform shoes while I’m on my knees)"

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"I applied for your love like a recent MBA grad might apply at Walmart today. I grew a beard on my chest and laughed through my ass just to get your attention."

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three thermoses to contain it. And if it did get contained, would you drink my love black, or would you add cream and sugar?"

"Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you."

"My advice to you: Just be yourself. That’s what I’m trying to do. So, can I borrow your clothes?"

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"You know, if a waitress asks me if I want ketchup with my fries, I’ll reply, “No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And that’s not just a statement about table etiquette; it’s a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophical belief system."

"I hate when women give me that look. That overlook."

"I lost my faith in my faithlessness. I believe I’m a nonbeliever now."

"The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her."

"I want to learn the language of the sun, and burn Agatha’s eyes out with my love poems."

"A poem for Beth: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I didn’t know what love meant, until I looked it up in the dictionary."

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her."

"I define myself and grow as a person through emotional torment, so if you love me, you will inflict as much pain on me as you possibly can."