Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

"I define myself and grow as a person through emotional torment, so if you love me, you will inflict as much pain on me as you possibly can."

"I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of Love."

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"I hate when women give me that look. That overlook."

"When I’m in a relationship, I love like a burrito. And if you’re a taco, don’t talk to me. At our core we may seem similar, but trust me, we are two different items on the menu."

"I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump."

"Her dad died unexpectedly, so I hid the flowers, because flowers are reminders of spring and life, and also of headstones and death. Also, I hid the flowers because they were for another woman."

"I believe the love shared between two people shouldn’t be secretly shared with a third. Not even if I am vacationing on the moon, and that third person is my clone."

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."

"I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spaghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up, and he said, “Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth."

"The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her."

"Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you."

"I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert."

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"I am the bathtub of love, but all Agatha ever wanted was a shower."

"I want to learn the language of the sun, and burn Agatha’s eyes out with my love poems."

"The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three."

"If you share your soup, I’ll share my wisdom. I brought a spoon, but did you bring a pen? How are you going to take notes, you fool!"

"I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick."

"About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home."