#humor

"Riding a bicycle makes you impotent. That’s why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it’s better than wearing a condom."

"I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else."

"Pushkin When Pushkin came to Shovekin all hell broke loose."

"My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee, as the two are synonymous to me."

"Snoring keeps the monsters away."

"Being a waiter is a waste of time, because think of all that waiting. But it’s better than loving someone who doesn’t love you back, because if you’re going to wait around, you might as well get paid for it."

"Between hello and goodbye is I love you."

"I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble."

"It's such a silly little thing, the heart."

"So much good, so much evil. Just add water."

"We’ll never survive!” “Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has."

"Never memorize something that you can look up."

"Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies."

"First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend"

"Once you finish having sex, what is there to do but start over?"

"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."

"Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove."

"Shut up!"Eve yelled from somewhere upstairs. "Jackass!""You know, when people say that, I just hear the word awesome,"

"I’ll stand by you. And by stand I mean cower in your shadow. It’s probably cold there, so I’m going to knit myself a warm cat sweater to wear."

"He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower."