#humor

"Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat."

"Closets Opening and Closing [10w] + [10w] You can take sweet gay men out of the closet;you can't take the closet out of the master-bedroom suite."

"In love, as in life, one misheard word can be tremendously important. If you tell someone you love them, for instance, you must be absolutely certain that they have replied "I love you back"and not "I love your back"before you continue the conversation."

"Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?"

"Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut."

"I hate girls that giggle all the time... You hate any girl that David looks at."

"I believe more in the scissors than I do in the pencil."

"She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking."

"I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in."

"Birds [10w] When a bird wakens, flight is no longer a dream."

"Love in the Afterlife [10w] Maybe I'll love you in the afterlife.This life, fuhgeddaboudit."

"love make us poets, and the approach of death should make us philosophers."

"In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language."

"It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal."

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."

"Who, last time I'd checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It's kind of sad.)"

"Smartass Disciple: Master, what is the secret recipe of your happiness?Master of Stupidity: If I tell you, there is nobody left to be made fun of."

"Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth"

"I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real."

"Rhyme vs. Reason {Couplet} Do not try to make rhyme of reason,nor reason of rhyme;For the former's too systematic,the latter's too sublime."