#humor

"An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for."

"An Unbreakable Vow?"said Ron, looking stunned. "Nah, he can’t have.... Are you sure?""Yes I’m sure,"said Harry. "Why, what does it mean?""Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow...""I’d worked that much out for myself, funnily enough."

"Journalist asks me whether I can sit down for an interview... Sorry, I can't talk now. I'm busy writing up a storm.How about tomorrow?Sorry, tomorrow I'm bust conjuring up a tornado."

"Depression vs. Death Depression is anger turned within causing misery and hopelessness.Death is hate turned within until it totally eats you alive."

"Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me."

"I was wasting my life, always thinking about myself."

"You look too pretty to be useful.""Truer words were never spoken."

"That woman doesn't have the sense God gave a retarded flea."

"That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them."

"I keep water in my pockets, as portable fish tanks. My love letters often get soggy with sentimentality."

"Wit is educated insolence."

"I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah, such is love."

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"Even now, despite Angeline's watchfulness, she'd occasionally oscillate between random topics, like how shepherd's pie wasn't a pie at all and why it was pointless for her to take class in typing when technology would eventually develop robot companions to do it for us."

"I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive."

"Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty."

"When something needs to be said, you look for a man to say it. But when something needs actually to be done, you look for a woman."

"I am your Prince and you will marry me,"Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse.""I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.""I am your loyal servant and I just did.""Refusal means death.""Kill me then."

"I’ll sit on a soda and drink a sofa. It’s just healthier. You should see how I make love. Show starts at 8:00. Tickets are ten bucks at the window."

"Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies."