#humor

"How do you feel, Georgie?"whispered Mrs. Weasley.George's fingers groped for the side of his head."Saintlike,"he murmured."What's wrong with him?"croaked Fred, looking terrified. "Is his mind affected?""Saintlike,"repeated George, opening his eyes and looking up at his brother. "You see...I'm HOLEY, Fred, geddit?"

"I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble."

"He's around the twist,' said Azalea. 'Breaking all the windows? He's mad.''Ah, no,' said the King. 'It's only madness if you actually do it. If you want to break all the windows in the house and drown yourself in a bucket but don't actually do it, well, that's love."

"Based on the questions we both answered, we’re a 0% love match. That means we’re 100% compatible, once I enlighten her to the correct perspective on life."

"Ichigo: You got that? Huh?! I'm the rescuer, so you just SHUT UP!!Rukia: Wha--wha'd you say? A rescuer isn't supposed to ignore the rescuee!Ichigo: Yeah? And what kind of rescuee complains about the rescue!? Why don't you go sit in a corner and tremble in fear and cry out "Save me! Save me!"like you're supposed to?!Rukia: I do not need saving, and I do NOT tremble!"

"What...what about when I'm married?”“We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits."

"Dear God in heaven.” Nik and Ban turned away, but Alek stood. Transfixed. “My God, y’all. She’s the worst goddamn dancer I’ve ever seen.” “Turn away. It’ll hurt your eyes. Turn away!"

"Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?"

"Sixty is the New Fifty The good news is sixty is the new fifty.The bad news is twenty is the new ten."

"My teacher asked my favorite color. ... I said ‘Rainbow’.... and I was punished to stand out of my class."

"She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love."

"Haven't you ever heard that modesty is an attractive trait?""Only from ugly people,"Jace confided. "The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me."He winked at the girls, who giggled and hid behind their hair."

"The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it."

"Self-growth comes from being nurtured, not tortured. I had to learn this the hard way. On sale now: Iron Maiden. Only used once."

"My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me."

"Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me."

"I fish the old-fashioned way—with dynamite and screen doors for nets. Don’t be rude—knock before entering the kill zone."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"Office Depot: Taking Care of Business... ...with short breaks, bad management and no job advancement opportunities."

"If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll be in the living room if you need me."