humor

"You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

"Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large."

"Nice dress. Take it off."

"The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'"

"EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY"

"Networking is drinking the nectar of interconnectedness. And I’ve been drinking since noon, so I may need @ryanlilly to drive me home."

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

"Maybe the bar is low, but most of the strips that are 50, 60, 70 years old that are on their second or third generation of artists, the humor is pretty bland. There are others by people that were raised on 'Family Guy' or 'South Park' that are edgier. Mine's not as edgy as those, but it's edgier than 'Beetle Bailey.'"

"If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something."

"In the 'Hurt Locker' there's a lot of me in there, a sense of humor, a man of few words and a lot of action."

"An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup."

"He studied my appearance carefully. “You cut your hair.” “Yes. Do you like it?” “That depends. How long is it?” I pulled a curl down and showed him it ended just past my shoulder. He grunted, “That’s still long enough, so I like it.” “Long enough for what?” “Long enough for a man to run his hands through."

"Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know... size"-Tuck"

"I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up."

"You could start a fire with the heat between you two.""You're mistaking bitter animosity for heartfelt affection."

"I am not really breaking any rules. Charlie said I could never take another step through the door again... I came in through the window... Still, the intent was clear,"said Edward."

"You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me."

"I like men who have goals, something that they are passionate about and work hard to achieve. A good sense of humor is important too. And I like tall guys!"

"I think that sense of humor is important in marriage. A sense of humor gets people through marriage."

"So you were going to rescue the Prince! Why did you pretend to run away? To deceive the Witch?""Not likely! I'm a coward. Only way I can do something this frightening is to tell myself I'm not doing it!"