humor

"The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock."

"Brits have a better sense of humor in most ways. It's darker, more cutting."

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."

"I know a thing or two about love. Well, maybe just a thing. A big, blurry thing, like Bigfoot."

"You should save your hard-earned dollars, because one day when you have no electricity you'll need a big stash to burn to keep yourself warm."

"If you didn't grow up like I did then you don't know, and if you don't know it's probably better you don't judge."

"Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives."

"When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn."

"I was a timid little guy when I was a kid. I used humor as a defense; I became the class clown. But deep inside, I felt real vulnerable."

"Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another."

"You've got to get obsessed and stay obsessed."

"As with most of life's problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation."

"Only a fool would say they’re not a fool. Well, I am not a fool, which is why I say I am a fool."

"Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different."

"Read her poetry before you make love to her. That way she’ll be asleep when you do. I’m as romantic as a rocking chair with wheels."

"True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper."

"Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious."

"You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I'll buy you a pony."

"Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude."

"I personally have dealt with any adversity in my life with humor. That's why I told America to 'Read my hips!' on 'Dancing With the Stars' or was happy to play along with Jason Alexander and Jerry Seinfeld in the great restaurant scene on 'Seinfeld.'"