humor

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it."

"We can't understand when we're pregnant, or when our siblings are expecting, how profound it is to have a shared history with a younger generation: blood, genes, humor. It means we were actually here, on Earth, for a time - like the Egyptians with their pyramids, only with children."

"The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir."

"And I would be the first to admit that probably, in a lot of press conferences over the time that I have been in coaching, indulging my own sense of humor at press conferences has not been greatly to my benefit."

"Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why."

"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?"it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

"I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha—with my clone."

"No good deed goes unpunished."

"Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you."

"Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one."

"As a sculptor, I prefer busts. As a lover of women, I prefer busts. And as a football enthusiast, I prefer Robert Griffin III."

"You know what i can't understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, i mean endlessly, i've been telling you for years. So why don't you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it's a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you?"

"Networking is drinking the nectar of interconnectedness. And I’ve been drinking since noon, so I may need @ryanlilly to drive me home."

"Feature-length film comedy is harder to pull off than the episodic sitcom - it doesn't have the same factory machinery up and running, teams of writers putting familiar characters through permutations - but that doesn't explain the widening quality gap that makes movie humor look like a genetic defective."

"If you say ‘we’re in this together,’ I’m going to hurl."

"I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores."

"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising."

"Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it."

"I’ve got a nice racket going. I make tennis ball swatters. My favorite score is love all. That’s also how I live my life."