humor

"I can't go on, I'll go on."

"It's self-effacing, it's hard-luck, the shtetl stories. All those Coasters things are an amalgam of Yiddish and black humor."

"If you find yourself thirsting for my love, don’t forget that I sell straws in a variety of flavors. What is the price of romance? Good question. Today only it’s on sale for half-off wholesale prices. Everything must go. My entire inventory of straws is being liquidated."

"I sell soap. Buy two bars and get a FREE shower. (Water not included.) Act within the next 15 minutes and I’ll even throw in the towel. I quit!"

"I slept through the award presentation for Napper of the Year. They had to wake me when I won. Winning was like a dream come true."

"My parents armed me with an amazing sense of humor, and it's what you need when, well, it's what anyone needs in this world."

"His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,His hair is as dark as a blackboard.I wish he was mine, he's really divine,The hero who conquered the Dark Lord."

"Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on."

"Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone."

"Me and Katy look adorkable in extraterrestrialhighway shirts. You would just look stupid. You can thank me later."

"Caring about someone isn't complicated. It isn't easy. But it isn't complicated, either. Kinda like lifting the engine block out of a car."

"One of my pet peeves is that sometimes the talents of my band get overlooked because, and it was the same problem that Frank Zappa had, with a lot of groups that use humor, people don't realize there's a lot of craft behind the comedy."

"Humor is such a wonderful thing, helping you realize what a fool you are but how beautiful that is at the same time."

"Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one's luck."

"...cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off--damn ankle straps!--or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos."

"I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perfect 100."

"Do your thing and don't care if they like it."

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."

"We are, in the comics, the last frontier of good, wholesome family humor and entertainment."

"Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room."