#humor

"If football players wanted to protect their brains from injury they’d wear astronaut helmets. After all, astronauts have massive IQ’s, so wearing their protective headgear seems like a smart choice."

"Just relax and breathe through your ass."

"Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide."

"I hate when people say 'I see'. It doesn't mean anything and I think it's hostile. Whenever anyone tells me 'I see' I think they're really saying 'Fuck you'."

"Why does death have to stop #love? It doesn’t stop people from voting in Chicago."

"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."

"Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change it."

"Hypocrisy [10w] Religion without hypocrisy doesn't exist;that's man's imperfection, not God's."

"I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover."

"I’ve had a tense couple of days. And I’ve got to tell you, burning someone’s face off sounds like a great way to relax."

"So you actually need spectacles,” Leo finally said.“Of course I do,” Marks said crossly. “Why would I wear spectacles if I didn’t need them?”“I thought they might be part of your disguise.”“My disguise?”“Yes, Marks, disguise. A noun describing a means of concealing someone’s identity. Often used by clowns and spies. And now apparently governesses. Good God, can anything be ordinary for my family?"

"I drink coffee like steam is the ghost of dead water. Ever tried inhaling the afterlife?"

"I am Dead, but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it."

"It's not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand. ~ Brian Stimpson, Clockwise"

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."

"Awww,"Minho said. "That's almost as sweet as that time she slammed the end of a spear into your shuck face."

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style."

"You are my whole heart, Scarlet. And this is breaking it.'My heart cracked open and clear dropped out of me. My mouth opened, and I looked round me and stamped my foot. 'Does this look like a good time to tell me that, you damn stupid boy?' I meant to sound mean but my voice wobbled. 'Now?'He gave a little smile. 'My foul-mouthed warrior."

"Kaddish Kaddish for Mrs. Ginsbergis not Kaddish,For your mom raised a Buddhistand mine raised a Jew.You'll zazen for your loss,I'll daven for mine.I do not belittle your loss,your grief is no less than mine.But by abandoning your tribe, אלון,Who now will say Kaddish for you?"

"If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?"