#humor

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"Look!"said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!"

"Humble Wishes [10w] "God, all I simply ask is that I become perfect."

"Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies."

"I can't abide people who go soft over animals and then cheat every human they come across!"

"Accurs'd McDonalds, I Bite my Thumb at Thee! {Couplet} Let vex'd heavens rant and rage,This here McNigga slave ain't workin' for no McMinimum wage."

"Isabelle snorted, "All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon.""You noticed,"said Simon. "I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual,"added Magnus. "Please never say those words in front of my parents,"said Alec."

"To be the best, you have to be willing to do what nobody does. And today, if nobody reads and nobody works hard, then you also have to give up reading and become lethargic to be successful."

"Blake took a small roll from the tray on the table, then put it back in favor of a larger one. And maybe a little butter. It certainly couldn't hurt. And jam...no, he drew the line at jam. She was a spy, after all."

"Oh God, Oh God we’re all gonna die doesn’t really fit the definition of banter, now does it?"

"You're getting into some kind of shape, cop."Aw, come on, now."Butch grinned. "Don't let that shower we took go to your head."Rhage fired a towel at the male. "Just pointing out your beer gut's gone."It was a Scotch pot. And I don't miss it."

"Despite his last name, I’ll bet Johnny Cash never had an inflated ego, or needed a wheelbarrow full of last name to go shopping."

"Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly."

"My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary—A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of parole."

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."

"As I am sure you know, when people say 'It's my pleasure,' they usually mean something along the lines of, 'There's nothing on Earth I would rather do less.' [...]"

"If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others."

"Trying to fall out of love is like trying to climb a mountain. Blindfolded, on crutches, naked in a hail storm."

"Tomorrow is promised to no one."

"Hate. Huh. He'd never hated himself. If anything, he'd always liked himself a little too much. Once, a human female had even accused him of picturing his own face while he climaxed. He hadn't denied it, either, and next time he'd slept with her, he'd made sure to scream, "Strider"at the pivotal moment."--Strider, keeper of the demon of Defeat--"