#humor

"Jack Woodson is currently living and working in Dallas, TX. He has forty children, and all of them have different mothers."

"Mind Maneuvers When we hear something unflattering,our mind doesn't fully process it.When we hear a compliment,the mind goes into overdriveand tend to read too much into it."

"I’m giving a free concert tonight. Seating is limited, so bring your own toilet. While there is no admission price, if you bring 100 dollars, it’s like a roll of toilet paper."

"What's the use of complaining about something you have no intentions of changing it?"

"Whisper into My Good Ear [10w] "Pour your fears, fantasies, desires into my ear of corn."

"Scientists need to invent a way to make DNA work like in cartoons."

"There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?"And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?"

"Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE."

"It's a philosophical minefield!"Cabal had a brief mental image of Aristotle walking halfway across an open field before unexpectedly disappearing in a fireball. Descartes and Nietzsche looked on appalled. He pulled himself together."

"I knocked on her door twice. The second time was from the inside. That’s how love works. At first you want in, and then you want out."

"I had a dream about you. No words were exchanged, but we spoke with our eyes. My eyes said, “I love you,” while your eyes told me, “I’m asleep.” You always were more romantic than me."

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."

"That's the scary thing about hope,"she said. "If you let it go too long it turns into faith."

"Ichigo: You got that? Huh?! I'm the rescuer, so you just SHUT UP!!Rukia: Wha--wha'd you say? A rescuer isn't supposed to ignore the rescuee!Ichigo: Yeah? And what kind of rescuee complains about the rescue!? Why don't you go sit in a corner and tremble in fear and cry out "Save me! Save me!"like you're supposed to?!Rukia: I do not need saving, and I do NOT tremble!"

"Revenge [10w] Revenge is a long game;all you need is time."

"Pussy [10w] Her pussy was heaven's gate and the backdoor of hell."

"Oh... Adrian, I've got one more favor to ask you. A big one.""Fondue?"he asked hopefully."

"What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer."

"How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it"

"Philosophy of science is about as useful to scientists as ornithology is to birds."