#humor

"Fugly Fishmates For every woman that looks like a hatchet-faced haddockthere's an equally ugly flounder-faced man with even fewer prospects."

"If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later."

"Hello, Minister!"bellowed Percy, sending a neat jinx straight at Thicknesse, who dropped his wand and clawed at the front of his robes, apparently in awful discomfort. "Did I mention I'm resigning?"

"It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own."

"Before It's Too Late [10w] Life's too transient to waste time hating ~plot revenge now!"

"A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."

"Occam's Razor [10w] I shaved with Occam's razor and he shaved with mine."

"Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart."

"[My mom's] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it's her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that."

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."

"Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes."

"Suicide Note [10w] "Don't ask why I committed suicide.Question why everybody doesn’t."

"Wit is educated insolence."

"Miss Universe Contest Protest Haiku Fundamentalists protest Miss Universe contest.Go home, beat their wives."

"I'm not sure if there's one right place I'm supposed to be, he said, but I know a couple of wrong places I'd give a second try in a heartbeat."

"Once you finish having sex, what is there to do but start over?"

"I never met a man that I didn't like."

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

"People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff."

"There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants."