#humor

"The goodbad news is she only stole half. The badgood news is she stole half. And when it’s love that’s been stolen, a hole the size of half your heart feels like the whole thing has been taken."

"Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa,"intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs."

"Six-Pack [10w] A six-pack of beer's inversely proportional to six-pack of abs."

"A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."

"Just deleting vandalism on the Chuck Norris page,"Radar said. "For instance, while I do think that Chuck Norris specializes in the roundhouse kick, I don't think it's accurate to say, 'Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, but unfortunately he has never cried."

"One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine."

"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant."

"Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous."

"The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes."

"The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom."

"April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."

"Genesis {Couplet} God spoke the world into existence, reifying an abstraction.Now the Creator's had second thoughts and wishes to utter a retraction."

"A Chuck Yeager Moment {Couplet} There's a sonic boom resonating in my head as I break through the 2000 HP follower watershed."

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

"Where I come from, we're more about efficiency,' he replies. 'A knife like this'll skewer food, smear butter, and slit throats all at the same time."

"Enormous? Did you just call me FAT? I am not fat. - Jace"

"I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true."

"There's so much destruction all over the world - and all you can do is complain about ME!"

"Dull Poetry Dulls the Mind [10w] Poetry penetrates dullness when whetted on the stone of imagination."

"Finger food, is that food you eat with your fingers, or is that where you eat your fingers? I’m starving, but I also want to play the piano, so I need to know."