#humor

"If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I'll have to risk it."

"A Moment Before Impact [10w] The deer's eyes were moonstones, reflecting back my car's headlights."

"She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously."

"O God O God I love you.I worship you, I need you.Everything I am is because of you.Everything.O God I hate you."

"Revenge [10w] Revenge is a long game;all you need is time."

"I wish I could travel west nonstop chasing sunsets. And as the time zones move backwards, I could live forever if I just kept moving."

"Kenji snorts.“That’s because you’re not fragile,” Kenji says. “If anything, everyone needs to protect themselves from you. You’re like a freaking beast,” he says. Then adds, “I mean, you know—like, a cute beast. A little beast that tears shit up and breaks the earth and sucks the life out of people."

"Now this might disturb you, but I find I'm OK by myself;and I don't need you or your benevolence to make sense."

"Alaska State Motto North to the Future.We got highest rape and STD-rate in the nation."

"Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse."

"Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my 'furry little problem' in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit."

"Who said to kill does not require gentleness?"

"EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY"

"I got a zero. That’s like a perfect ten—it’s only one away from being flawless. Remember this next time you think you have nothing."

"Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively."

"An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps"

"Kill Buddha's Hairdresser [10w] I'd like to meet Buddha's hairdresser and shoot the prick."

"1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them."

"I have a hundred-year-old aunt who aspires to sainthood, and whose only wish has been to go into the convent, but no congregation, not even the Little Sisters of Charity, could tolerate her for more than a few weeks, so the family has had to look after her. Believe me, there is nothing so insufferable as a saint, I wouldn't sic one on my worst enemy."

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."