#humor

"I feel ill,"[Howl] announced. "I'm going to bed, where I may die."

"Getting Even Bring a gun to a knife-fight,Bring a nuke to a war.Even if you don't win,You'll even the score.““”̿ ̿ ̿ ̿ ̿’̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪ⓧ)=ε/̵͇̿̿/̿ ̿ ̿ ̿ ̿"

"I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it."

"Relax, having kids is years away. But can you imagine? Your brains, my charm, our collective good looks... then add in the usual physical abilities dhampirs get. It's really not even fair to everyone else."

"Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs!"

"But with dogs, we do have "bad dog."Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!"The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!""Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry."

"How to Treat Your Lover {Couplet} If you want to learn how your lover best to treat,Pretend each time is the last time you'll ever meet."

"I should never be left alone with my mind for too long."

"I had a dream about you last night.. You were playing with chicken livers and told me everyone was in quarantine."

"His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action."

"Humor has been the balm of my life, but it's been reserved for those close to me, not part of the public Lana."

"Granny was an old-fashioned witch. She didn’t do good for people, she did right by them."

"As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney."

"No matter what argument you make against evolution, the response is Well, you know, it's possible to believe in evolution and believe in God. Yes, and it's possible to believe in Spiderman and believe in God, but that doesn't prove Spiderman is true."

"With eyes closed, a kiss is genderless. Now that mustaches are in fashion, some women are finding more hipster love."

"Self-Sufficiency [10w] When God closes a door,buy a Sawzall from Home Depot."

"Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)"

"Sublime Beauty When I shut my eyes, I can move mountains.When I open them, mountains can move me."

"Oh Tigger, where are your manners?""I don’t know, but I bet they’re having more fun than I am."

"Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to."