#humor

"My currency is kindness, and while there are no ATMs that dispense it, it’s also not accepted or recognized at strip clubs."

"They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps."

"I spent most of my youth hauling sides of beef and pork to my father's shop. Carrying you is far more enjoyable.""How sweet,"Annabelle mumbled sickly, her eyes closed. "Every woman dreams of being told that she's preferable to a dead cow."

"Did someone just call me the wine dude?” he asked in a lazy drawl. “It’s Bacchus, please. Or Mr. Bacchus. Or Lord Bacchus. Or, sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don’t-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus."

"All men have their frailties; and whoever looks for a friend without imperfections, will never find what he seeks."

"I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels."

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

"You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me."

"Misfortune Misfortune is but a stepping stone to great fortune ~especially if your slip and fall was possibly caused by negligenceand you get yourself a good Jew lawyer to sue the parties responsible."

"Yes, you need a passport to prove to the world that you exist. The people at passport control, they cannot look at you and see you are a person. No! They have to look at a little photograph of you. Then they believe you exist."

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't."

"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also."

"Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors."

"Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator."

"Come to think of it, she did not speak a word. Yet I could have sworn she had the most beautiful voice."

"Rat Trap Haiku 'Hmm, 12 by 13,4 by 9. Oy! You call thisrat trap an apartment?"

"Renewal Cream [10w] The features of the human face are enriched by poetry."

"As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don't bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it's very powerful, and should be used sparingly."

"Standing in the kitchen when you’re hungry is torture. That’s why I moved my fridge to my dungeon, where I keep the prisoners."