#humor

"Sometimes looking like you know is better than actually knowing. People respect you, and defer to you, yet you don’t have the burden that comes with heavy knowledge."

"Cruel Love [10w] Cruel love helps turn out excellent,competitive, cutthroat, dog-eat-dog children."

"A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?"

"If you neglected to warn Djetth beforehand that you were going to shoot him down, Your Highness, he may consider you in breach of contract...-- Rhett"

"I just got done digging a hole shaped like a human body. But I have no idea what to bury. I’ll probably hide all my love for you, like I would with any other treasure."

"I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one."

"I leave my door locked and unlocked. You know, for stopportunities. As a lover, I’ve been known—and unknown—to be like Zeno."

"If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried."

"They're book addicts."

"Basically, everyone thinks--knows--how sweet I am.Emma, you threw my sister through hurricane-proof glass."

"If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you."

"Mannequin parts disassembled and discombobulated coming together for a good cause—to sell some clothes. That’s what charity is all about."

"One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine."

"Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs."

"Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing."

"Celebrity [10w] Celebrity is an insignificant zit on the surface of history."

"Tweeting is talking into the abyss, filling a void in your life by avoiding real human contact."

"I like to spoon after I fork."

"It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

"Underage-Killers [10w] Underage-killers like making a whooshing sound when they shoot people."