#humor

"I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic."

"Huging my pillow to my chest, I told myself, At least soon you won't have so much time to miss him. Soon school will start again, and then you'll be busier. Wait. Am I reduced to HOPING for school to start? Somehow, I have discovered a whole new level of pathetic."

"Fashion [10w] Clothes makes the man.Fashion, above all, makes the President."

"Damien has died and gone straight to gay boy heaven,' Shaunee said..."

"Squeeze out the competition—with hugs. I’m giving out FREE hugs while samples last. After that I’ll have to charge an arm and a leg—or maybe just two arms."

"If I had no clothes it’d be winter. If I were naked, it’d be the truth and we could lie together."

"Rules of Etiquette [10w] Rules of etiquette are pretend manners for the lower classes."

"Selfie [10w] For the millennial generationa selfie is a family portrait."

"I mean, really. Who sends their kid to boarding school? It's so Hogwarts. Only mine doesn't have cute boy wizards or magic candy or flying lessons."

"Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like these I think of when digging in my garden, looking for my one true love (If only I could remember where I buried her!)."

"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."

"Max, if you survive your final test, can you steal me one of those magic outfits for me?"I'll try to get one for each of us. Hey! 'If'?"

"Sunshine On My Shoulders When you're home's always filled with sunshine,you're either blessed or it's time to fix the roof."

"Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat."

"I've never stunned anyone except in our D.A. lessons,"said Luna, sounding mildly interested. "That was noisier than I thought it would be."

"I'm going to talk to her.""And how's that going to go? You're just going to walk up to her and say, 'Hey, I know you've never seen me before, but I'm your dad. Oh, and guess what? You've won the evolutionary lottery: You're a vampire. Let's go to Disneyland!"

"Self-Sufficiency [10w] When God closes a door,buy a Sawzall from Home Depot."

"Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love."

"It's about time! It's supposed to be a ritual, not a marathon."

"I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that."