#humor

"Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?"

"When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person."

"Dating Asian Her Kung Fu style was not too bad,but at doggie style she had me had."

"I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security."

"A Real Passionate Kiss Should Feel Like Dying [10w] Like ice melting into water coming to a rolling boil."

"There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"A follow-up letter is best when not written on the back of a suicide note. Remember this next time you’re at a networking event, unless your new connection is a mortician."

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch."

"Tomorrow is promised to no one."

"Ah, well,ʺ said Abe, idly studying his fingertips. ʺI have it on good authority thereʹs going to be a new ‘gateʹ opening up soon over on the south side of the wall."The truth dawned on me. ʺOh lord. Youʹre the one whoʹs been doling out C4.ʺʺYou make it sound so easy,ʺ he said with a frown. ʺThat stuffʹs hard to get a hold of."

"Extra Crispy Deranged Free Range Chickens "Hey, I may be delusional in believing you're delusional,but one thinks for sure, the person who bothers to read this shit is delusional."

"I curse in cursive. It's hard to read and harder take. But if you take it black, like coffee, then at least it may wake you up to the realities of life."

"Squeeze out the competition—with hugs. I’m giving out FREE hugs while samples last. After that I’ll have to charge an arm and a leg—or maybe just two arms."

"I don't like it when I outweigh my men."

"California Haiku "After my boob jobI'm taking acting lessons.Fuck's fifty, no anal."

"Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake."

"Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn't hurt the untroubled spirit either."

"And besides . . . I don’t want to leave you. Er, you guys.”He smiled, and it lit up his whole face. “Well, ‘we’ are certainly happy to hear that. Oh, and I’m also happy to watch our darling little love child dragon while you’re in St. Louis.”I grinned back."

"Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic."