#humor

"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."

"Suicide Note [10w] "Don't ask why I committed suicide.Question why everybody doesn’t."

"Gold is liquid sunlight frozen in time, and that’s why I love the way ice melts in vodka. I also love the way ice melts in vodka. I’ll have another shot, if you’ll reload the revolver."

"I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts."

"Do you find this...distracting?"

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

"Your Excellency, I have no need of this hypothesis."

"Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt."

"Miracle [10w] The greatest unacknowledged miracle is man has lasted this long."

"There’s sleep to be found here, and I’m going to find it—with my eyes closed. I’m like Sherlock Holmes meets Helen Keller. #Networking"

"Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings."

"Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you...""Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?"said Harry sarcastically."

"I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward."

"Spineless [10w] There are more spineless men on the planet than jellyfish."

"The Squeaky Wheel The squeaky wheel ~will put you $374.43 in the holeafter replacing the brake pad, rotorsand $500 with a new master cylinder."

"Rooftop Poetry Sing poetry from rooftopslike a muzzein' s call for prayer."

"Steer Clear [10w] Avoid alliances with anyone who's more to gain than you."

"Humor is mankind's greatest blessing."

"I have to return some videotapes"

"New Age Advertising ATTEND OUR REINCARNATION RETREATGuaranteed to be a once in a lifetime experience.Sure it costs $5000, but lets face it,you only live once."