#humor

"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last."

"I'm sober. Yessiree, I quit drinking. I haven't had a beer in four hours. Now I just need some coffee and to get drunk on love poetry."

"A girl’s got to use what she’s given and I’m not going to make a guy drool the way a Britney video does. So I take it to extremes. I don’t say I dress sexily on stage - what I do is so extreme. It’s meant to make guys think: ‘I don’t know if this is sexy or just weird."

"I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?"

"Dev-"Come in peace or leave in pieces"

"Before we go, I gotta know: If mind-reading abilities are real, there's something else I wondered if fiction got right about vampires-""Ask me if I sparkle and I'll kill you where you stand,"Bones cut him off with utmost seriousness."

"If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?"

"We spend money that we do not have, on things we do not need, to impress people who do not care."

"But what about the End of the Universe? We'll miss the big moment."I've seen it. It's rubbish,"said Zaphod,"nothing but a gnab gib."A what?"Opposite of a big bang. Come on, let's get zappy."

"A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise."

"I can't give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you'd set it on fire."

"It's okay,"I said soothingly. "You're just getting your stride back. Once you're up to full power, I'll go crack a rib or something so we can test it."She groaned. "The horrible part is that I don't think you're joking."

"I was wasting my time, praying for love.For a love that never comes, from someone who does not exist."

"You don’t annoy me.” Carefully he rebuttoned the placket of her shirt. “I thought you did, at first. But now I realize it was more like the feeling you get when your foot’s been asleep. And when you start moving, the blood coming back into it is uncomfortable . . . but also good. Do you understand what I mean?”“Yes. I make your feet tingle.”A smile came to his lips. “Among other things."

"Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees."

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells."

"molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i'm pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords."

"Think, think, think."

"Orion brightened. "I have an idea.""Yes?"said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained."Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other."

"This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch."