#humor

"Do you find this...distracting?"

"I grew up once, I decided never to do it again"

"I drink coffee like steam is the ghost of dead water. Ever tried inhaling the afterlife?"

"I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables."

"Taco Bell [10w] Taco Bell: Living proof you can shit where you eat."

"Gold Diggers are Always at Two Weddings A gold digger's eyes are searching for her next husband at her wedding."

"A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?"

"Taking a break. Been working solid for the last few hours, as opposed to working liquid, which is more drinkable. Can I pour you a glass of productivity?"

"Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good?"

"You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want."

"Speak to the Head [10w] + {Couplet} Tis of no fucking availTo speak to the tail."

"Mom says it's because she has PMS.Do you even know what that means?"I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome"

"The Moon The moon's a pearl among the starry gems,more cultured than the rest of them.A blemished diadem of charcoaled nightthat chaperons the sun back to the light."

"They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers."

"Beating the Language Like a Tom-Tom with a Mohawk "Actually, you will receive a free pre-owned gift with every purchase,irregardless of the awesome enormity of your stupidity."

"Down there between our legs, it's like an entertainment complex in the middle of a sewage system. Who designed that?"

"Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol."

"I g-g-guess...I'm dead?"she heard her own voice call out, strangely high-pitched and thin.For a long time, she heard nothing else. And then:"Hi, Dead. I'm Dan."

"What are all these?"Clary asked."Vials of holy water, blessed knives, steel and silver blades,"Jace said, piling the weapons on the floor beside him, "electrum wire - not much use at the moment but it's always good to have spares - silver bullets, charms of protetion, crucifixes, stars of David-""Jesus,"said Clary"I doubt he'd fit.""Jace."Clary was appalled."

"Those guys who want to have the Mohawk...which, to me, is the new business casual."