#humor

"From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge."

"The Road to Poetry Hell [10w] The road to poetry hell is likepaved with similes."

"Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises."

"Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don't come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they're having a piss."

"Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?"

"I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her Facebook page like a normal person, but that doesn’t seem as romantic as surveillance and GPS tracking."

"Jonesing [10w] Is it odd of me that I'm Jonsesing for strange?"

"Present {Couplet} Our present is the dissipating despair of our past mingled with the promise of our future we hope will last."

"You catch more flies with honey than you do with chopsticks. Let this be a lesson in love."

"I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels."

"Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain."

"Selfie [10w] For the millennial generationa selfie is a family portrait."

"You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk."

"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."

"Do I look stupid?"snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache."

"I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah, such is love."

"That's kind of a leap, but the Russian judge gave you a nine point five for style, so okay."

"Frank didn’t drop you on purpose,” she said. “He’s not like that. He’s just a little clumsy sometimes.”“Oops,” Leo said, in his best Frank Zhang voice. “Dropped Leo into a squad of enemy soldiers. Dang it!"

"but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment."

"When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side."