#humor

"You don't need a search warrant to go through someone's trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up."

"Please don't die."

"Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal."

"I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one."

"Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it."

"Memory Foam [10w] She had an ass like an elephants memoryfoam pillow."

"Of course, everyone's parents are embarrassing. It goes with the territory. The nature of parents is to embarrass merely by existing, just as it is the nature of children of a certain age to cringe with embarrassment, shame, and mortification should their parents so much as speak to them on the street."

"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."

"I have a lot of love to give, because free samples are the best way to encourage sales."

"Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat."

"The Tragedy of Forgetfulness When you stop loving someone,in order to heal your memory of them begins to fade.Unfortunately, the good ones fade with the bad and suddenlyyears of your life have disappeared."

"Poorly Hidden [10w] We're incapable of hiding arrogance, ambition or being in love."

"It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch."

"Don't bite off more than you can chew because nobody looks attractive spitting it back out."

"Punctuation, is? fun!"

"I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable."

"There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was pretty funny."

"I feel ill,"[Howl] announced. "I'm going to bed, where I may die."

"Fortunately, among werewolf women, the word "bitch"is not offensive. I was having a lot of fun with that."Hey there, bitches!"I called as I came through the door. "What are my favorite bitches up to today?"

"AMTRAK: See America at see level... even though we cost twice as much as a plane and get you there 3 days later."