#humor

"The very first thing I tell my new students on the first day of a workshop is that good writing is about telling the truth. We are a species that needs and wants to understand who we are. Sheep lice do not seem to share this longing, which is one reason they write so very little. But we do. We have so much we want to say and figure out."

"Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.And it always feels good."

"You don’t know her like I do, because you don’t know her like I don’t. It’s true, I don’t know her at all. What’s she like?"

"Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives."

"They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference."

"I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every pore on my body is dry."

"Stratospherical Poems [10w] Poets circle the earth in a higher orbit than readers."

"I wish I could grow swords like I can roses. Wouldn’t war be so romantic then? Then the U.S. could really show the world how much it loves it."

"I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows- slow, dumb, and bright red."

"By the Angel,"Jace said, looking the demon up and down. "I knew Greater Demons were meant to be ugly, but no one ever warned me about the smell."Abbadon opened its mouth and hissed. Inside its mouth were two rows of jagged glass-sharp teeth."I'm not sure about this wind and howling darkness business,"Jace went on, "smells more like landfill to me. You sure you're not from Staten Island?"

"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it."

"Tangled [10w] Love becomes a tangle of roots submerged in common soil."

"While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, 'I love you' to me for the first time. It sounded like 'All lub boo,' but I didn't care. To reciprocate, I showed her what an ex-Marine looks like when he cries."

"Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs!"

"A real scientist solves problems, not wails that they are unsolvable."

"The Bard's Haikus about Haiku Listen to Shakespeare,'Iambic pentameterand haiku don't mix.'A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise mannever writes haiku.If you tickle usdon't we laugh? If you wrong usshall we not haiku?The good men dolives after them; the evil'sinterred with haikus.Some are born great, some achieve greatness, some scribblesome shitty haikus."

"Nobody sleeps at the Inn of Innovation. You don't wake up, but you do #startup."

"The ‘New House, New Luck’ Fallacy [10w] Switching external environment doesn't cure depression;change must occur internally."

"I wish I could climb the corporate ladder like I could climb a tree, but I can’t, because I’m afraid of heights. And bark."

"No. Now, shut up and eat your pears."