#humor

"Lady Gaga Haiku A cow has a big head, deep voice, a long tongue, butLady Gaga he's not."

"How do you feel right now?""I hurt like hell.""You'll feel worse tomorrow.""So?""So, better get a jump on this while you still feel...not as bad.""What kind of logic is that?"I retorted."

"Why does death have to stop #love? It doesn’t stop people from voting in Chicago."

"If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home."

"I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?"

"Ballz Deep & Strange Haiku [1] Down the schnapps, third eye,cat flaps, pussy hole, fish lips,cha cha, ooo la la."

"Would you like a cough drop Dolores?"

"Genocide [10w] Genocide is the runaway bride once death becomes the bridegroom."

"You okay?""Fine.""Your heart's beating really fast.""Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff."Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.""You sound like Shane.""Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.""Liar."

"It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word."

"Sorry to hear about your Dad."He shrugged. "He was seventy, and we always told him fast food would kill him.""Heart attack?""He was hit by a Pizza Express truck."

"There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it."

"Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool."

"Lost Love [10w] + {Couplet} Lost love's the season of mists,Though they are gone, memory persists."

"Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true."

"Getting Even Bring a gun to a knife-fight,Bring a nuke to a war.Even if you don't win,You'll even the score.““”̿ ̿ ̿ ̿ ̿’̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪ⓧ)=ε/̵͇̿̿/̿ ̿ ̿ ̿ ̿"

"Most people go to networking events to gain visibility. But in a crowded room, I’m trying to figure out how to become invisible. I network like the ghost of a chameleon."

"I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah, such is love."

"I'm a Christian first, and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it. You know who else was kind of "divisive"in terms of challenging the status quo and the powers-that-be of his day? Jesus Christ."

"Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it."