#humor

"Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to."

"You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me."

"One Philosophical Question, Two Faces [10w] 'Is life wort living?' is tantamount to'Does God exist?"

"I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of 'this is the song that never ends'. Putting that on me? Come on dude.."

"We think a wise person is someone who solves problems. Truth is, a wise person is someone who avoids problems."

"Success is suffocating. The air is thinner at the top."

"Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that."

"At some point, our lips met and it was perhaps the most wonderful thing I'd ever experienced. And truly, I guess there wasn't just one kiss, but several. A polite frenzy. A mass migration of delicate wildebeest kisses. I remember them as one transcendent event, though."

"I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them."

"When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing."

"Now, I have nothing against the public school system as it is presently organized, once you allow the humor of its basic assumption about how it is possible to teach things to children...."

"When I touched her body,I believed she was God.In the curves of her formI found the birth of Man,the creation of the world,and the origin of all life."

"Unwitting Measure [10w] + {Couplet} "You I love and treasurein an equal, unwitting measure."

"If we make it out of this alive, I’ll kill you. So you have that to look forward to."

"Chlorophylia [10w] + {Couplet} Few things amaze as the paletteof the autumn blaze."

"I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it."

"Jehovah's Witness are welcomed into my home...You gotta respect anybody who gets all dressed up in Sunday clothes and goes door-to-door on days so hot their high heels sink a half-inch into the pavement.The trick is to do all the talking yourself. Pretty soon, they'll look at their watches and say, 'Speaking of end times, wouldja look at what time it is now!"

"Idiots vs. Fools [10w] Idiots listen to other's bullshit;fools listen to their own."

"A goal without a plan is just a wish."

"Begin at the beginning,"the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."