humor

"This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you."

"When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls."

"I don't know why it should be, I am sure; but the sight of another man asleep in bed when I am up, maddens me."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops."

"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings."

"Don't run I never liked fast food"

"Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies."

"He who laughs last laughs the laughiest."

"When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we're going to be having a shufti to see if it's solid, aren't we, we're not going to be asking, 'Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?"

"Our first show, 'A Little Nightmare Music,' encompasses a lot of zany humor with beautiful classical music."

"I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time."

"I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn’t tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)"

"The clouds are like marble in the sky, and I just want to make a kitchen counter out of the atmosphere. I can cook like a flock of birds."

"Jazz can be so serious, no sense of humor."

"We seemed to be trapped in an episode of One Life To Waste. It's all very dull."

"Drinking coffee is like drinking an inverse yawn. I prefer mine with two spoonfuls of “I’m listening."

"Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty."

"Lesbian humor isn't trying to sell anything, it doesn't have to sell out. Coming out as a lesbian onstage is still a very political act; if it weren't, more women would do it."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others."