#humor

"My dad used to say that life's a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map."

"Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?'Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?"

"We are not going to die."Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. "We're not?""No. And do you know why?"He shook his head. "Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die."I hauled on the shirt even harder. "And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die."

"Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it."

"Sixty is the New Fifty The good news is sixty is the new fifty.The bad news is twenty is the new ten."

"I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When are you going to wake up and drink it?"

"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."

"Damien has died and gone straight to gay boy heaven,' Shaunee said..."

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

"I never understood how men could remember all those details about sports but, yet, were incapable of remembering where they set their car keys or wallet."

"You're still here. No beer. I'm not corrupting a minor.""But you're a minor,"she pointed out. "At least for beer.""Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I'm an adult if I kill somebody, and I'm not if I want a beer?"

"I’m out of health potions. Retreat! Retreat! Give me some of your health potions!” I screamed. “I don’t have any potions. Run, bitch, run,” Brody squealed. The red ran out on my health and my assassin was transported, stripped of everything we’d earned, back to the starting camp. “I’m dead! Fuck, they killed me!"

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?"

"Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates."

"I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half."

"Tickled Pink Today,without thinking,I filled my half-empty fish tank, to its brink.Having doubled the size of his universe,my Siamese bettais quite tickled pinkThe same thing happens when you fill my half-empty world with your love.Bai, keep pourin'!"

"I’m giving a free concert tonight. Seating is limited, so bring your own toilet. While there is no admission price, if you bring 100 dollars, it’s like a roll of toilet paper."

"Two Dust Storms or A Nice Pair of Haboobs A palm tree passes through a sandstorm, shakingoff the dusty rain like a wet dogon the less fortunate wayfarersburied in the sand."

"The trick to looking ageless is drinking 55 gallons of #FlashBangWowFuzz every 4-6 hours. 24-hour discounts available."

"Sex Kitchens of the Future [10w] Her entire kitchen was made of silicone ~ including her breasts."