#humor

"I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town."

"What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?"

"I still can't believe,"Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire."

"We seemed to be trapped in an episode of One Life To Waste. It's all very dull."

"It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the radish would never be chosen."

"Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.And it always feels good."

"Prolific [10w] "Perhaps I'm prolific because I believe creativity can forestall death."

"I had a dream about you. I told you I loved you, and you stopped folding clothes, turned to look me in my eyes, and replied, “The cat food on the moon is probably all dry.” Then I started crying, because up until that point I had no idea that I meant that much to you and I was overjoyed with raw emotion."

"Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both."

"Pacifism There's nothing like seeing action in war to turn a soldier into an instant pacifist or an instant killer."

"Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record."

"You're getting into some kind of shape, cop."Aw, come on, now."Butch grinned. "Don't let that shower we took go to your head."Rhage fired a towel at the male. "Just pointing out your beer gut's gone."It was a Scotch pot. And I don't miss it."

"The lack of money is the root of all evil."

"All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments."

"Snob [10w[ I'm throwing a party so exclusive I'm not even invited."

"Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes."

"Headline?"he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'"I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'"he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'"I said."

"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."

"Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that."

"Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something"