#humor

"He specialized in the murder of dreams, Hazel Grace..."

"Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and... reproduction."

"Something about being rejected at Church Camp felt so much more awful than being rejected at school."

"I wasn't saying whatever they're saying I was saying. I'm sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still don't know quite what I've done. I've tried to tell you what I did do but if you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy, then OK, I'm sorry."

"Ringtones Haiku 'Oy! Dai, da-ye-nu,Dai, da-ye-nu, Dai, da-ye-nu...'"Answer your fucking phone!"

"Hard at work? I’ll give you a hand—my right hand. It’s a handshake, for networking and encouragement purposes. Keep it up!"

"Dinner was a riot, but the food was bland, so I doused it with pepper spray. The chef wanted to protest, but he didn’t, because I had the pepper spray."

"No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!"the man yelled. "Really?"said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?""What?""Oh, you'd like something simpler?"

"I morphed from a fly to a flower to a butterfly, which is like a combination flower and fly. I thought I was in love, but I was merely asleep."

"Rule of life. If you bother to ask someone’s advice, then bother to listen to it."

"The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are..."

"I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red."

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"The secret to humor is surprise."

"Rock 'n' roll is not red carpets and MySpace friends, rock'n'roll is dangerous and should piss people off"

"I don’t want to be a supermodel; I want to be a role model."

"Advice for Women at Starbucks If a vanilla latte and banana nut muffin doesn't solve the problem,perhaps you're going at it wrong."

"Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."

"I had a dream about you last night.. you were trying to give coordinates to an apple"