#humor

"He f**ks even better than he looks”, I settled on saying. Several heads turned. I didn’t care; I was pissed. “And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don’t you worry."

"Keep Austin Weird Haiku Neck dragon tattoo, piercings, purple haired kindergarten teacher.Keep Austin weird."

"When you find yourself in hot water, what else can you do but make a spot of tea? I still have a spot of tea on my shirt from yesterday."

"I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago."

"I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town."

"Meatloaf is graphable in how far ahead it is in likeability categories. You can also play Mop the Floor with it. I make love like I make dinner that makes cleaning the kitchen more fun for the whole family."

"If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I'll have to risk it."

"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."

"Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log."

"The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished."

"In the end, everything is a gag."

"All that I've learned, I've forgotten. The little that I still know, I've guessed."

"I just bought a bag of potato chips. It was a smart buy, because when this world runs out of clean air, I’ll have plenty in that one little purchase."

"Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay."

"Huging my pillow to my chest, I told myself, At least soon you won't have so much time to miss him. Soon school will start again, and then you'll be busier. Wait. Am I reduced to HOPING for school to start? Somehow, I have discovered a whole new level of pathetic."

"To Trend or Not to Trend I've had a thousand trending poems,they were rarely my best.Evoking empathy and shared feelingis the poet's only true test."

"Wild!"Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. "I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again... and again... and again..."

"I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red."

"Begin at the beginning,"the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."

"The naked truth is the naked truth isn’t naked—it’s wearing see-thru clothing. My duty as a nudist is to let people see I’m transparent."