#humor

"I'm here at The Container Store looking for something large enough to hold all my love for her. It's a flood, so I hope they sell Shipping Container Ships."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink."

"I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some."

"The word very will vary in muchiness. I love you very much, and that won’t vary from day to day."

"Every one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known."

"We spend money that we do not have, on things we do not need, to impress people who do not care."

"Even the ocean waves take their hellos to the people all the time. I should take my hellos down to the beach and sell waves to the tourists."

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"Artemis: "Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine yourself seated at a cafe in Montmartre."Myles: "In Paris."Artemis: "Yes, Paris. And try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter's attention. What do you do?"Beckett: "Umm...tell Butler to jump-jump-jump on his head?"Myles: "I agree with simple-toon."Artemis: "No! You simply raise one finger and say clearly 'ici, garcon.'"Beckett: "Itchy what?"

"Yes, boys are a little like shoes. Why? Well...They can be useful. But mainly...They are nice to look at. Getting the right one can be a lovely accessory to an outfit. There are times when you couldn't do without them. And there are times when you'd rather do without them. Get the wrong ones and they can hurt. There are many types and often the ones that look the nicest are completely unpractical."

"The clouds are like marble in the sky, and I just want to make a kitchen counter out of the atmosphere. I can cook like a flock of birds."

"Being a leader is making the people you love hate you a little more each day."

"To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time."

"Is Prayer Only for Man? I [10w] Does God pray for His creation's in Heaven and Earth?"

"Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies."

"He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it."

"Man, you weigh a freaking ton,"he told me. "What've you been eating, rocks?""Why, is your head missing some?"I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that's when I knew how upset he'd been"

"All killer whales are named Kevin. You knew that, right?"

"Karl Marx: "Religion is the opiate of the masses."Carrie Fisher: "I did masses of opiates religiously."