#humor

"Who made you Queen of Literacy? Go sit in your car!"

"Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that."

"Smartass Disciple: Master, what is the secret recipe of your happiness?Master of Stupidity: If I tell you, there is nobody left to be made fun of."

"What Women Think Women don't care if you got a six pack if you slurp you soup."

"Look at me!Look at me!Look at me NOW!It is fun to have funBut you have to know how."

"Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be “in command” if I were the only remaining person.”What do you know? I’m in command"

"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

"Room service? Send up a larger room."[A Night at the Opera]"

"Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!"

"She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea."

"♀ Travelers vs. ♀ Tourists [10w] + [10w] Female travelers wear no makeup, stringy jewelry and Jesus sandals.Female travelers wear overcaked makeup, diamond jewelry and Gucci Booties."

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

"No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth."

"Grandfather informs me that is not possible."

"I figured something out. The future is unpredictable."

"My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored."

"If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn't as cynical as real life."

"An empty ketchup bottle full of romantic quotes is just what I need to turn my cheeseburger into the perfect lover. Now you can get more romantic for an upcharge of just 69 cents."

"Love's a Sacred Vessel [10w] Love's the sacred vessel embracing the mystical energy of evolution."

"Miss Universe Contest Protest Haiku Fundamentalists protest Miss Universe contest.Go home, beat their wives."