#humor

"You know who’s not money? @JManziel2. Quarterbacks should stay in the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Ask any politician."

"The referees made a questionable call. Still, I was ready with an answer and picked up on the first ring. That ring was an engagement ring, and I said yes."

"Dating Asian Her Kung Fu style was not too bad,but at doggie style she had me had."

"If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine."

"It unscrews the other way."

"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."

"I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!"

"Don't run I never liked fast food"

"Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"Today we’re living in an anti-Waldo world, where you don’t want to blend in and have people struggle to find you. You want your personal brand to stand out like you’re wearing a red and white sweater, and everyone else has on black."

"Jesus Christ Hiaku Jesus Christget a job already.You're killing your mother!"

"Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else."

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."

"Why sell farming equipment to farmers? I should cut out the middleman and sell tractors directly to people dining in restaurants."

"My Secret for Out-of-the-Box-Thinking To help me writein my signature out-of-the-box style,I sit in front of my humidifier that I've filled up with Grey Goose vodka.My humidifier is now at Underwriters Laboratoriesin a 12-Step Programand buddied up with a de-humidifier."

"All that I've learned, I've forgotten. The little that I still know, I've guessed."

"Rice-a-Roni: The San Francisco treat... ...the other treat, of course, being anal penetration."

"30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat."

"The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to."

"I stared up at the sky and raised my middle finger, just in case God was watching. I don't like being spied on."