#humor

"I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts."

"If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'Clawing at the roof of her coffin."

"I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!"

"Who is Fortunate? [10w] Who is fortunate?He who measures his fortune in friends."

"Deaf [10w] No man suffers deafness if he listens with his eyes."

"I don’t want to develop—I want to evelop, because it’s more positive. Similarly, would you rather your love evolve or devolve? That’s why if you need me, I’ll be on the sofa trying to evelop myself as a person."

"Why are you limping like that?' Nicholas demanded.'I'm swaggering,' I informed him.'You look like you're wearing a diaper.'Charming. And I had a crush on this guy.Wait. I had a crush on this guy?'Now what?' he asked. 'You're making weird faces.''Nothing,' I said quickly. 'Never mind."

"New Year's Resolutions New Year's resolutions shouldn't be about doing new things;it should be about stopping to do the shitty things you're already doing."

"I just bought some cargo pants, so I can deliver goods at the speed of a walk. It’s an environmentally friendly #startup."

"If you're going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for God's sake."

"There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous andshallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what youknow ain't so'."

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer"

"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond."

"So much good, so much evil. Just add water."

"I can talk to fish!"Angel said happily, water dripping off her long, skinny body. "Ask one over for dinner,"Fang said, joining us."

"All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ."

"I can't go on, I'll go on."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"I love the sound of the trees in the breeze. If the forest is so clearly musical, why can’t it play the guitar while I sing Nirvana covers?"

"Unconditional Love [10w] If you're not giving unconditional love,you're offering conditional hate."