#humor

"I observe Stand Still Day. I also observe whatever I’m standing in front of at the time. I hope on that day I see how much you love me."

"Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt."

"Hercules,huh? Percy frowned. "That guy was like the Starbucks of Ancient Greece. Everywhere you turn--there he is."

"Why do people always expect authors to answer questions? I am an author because I want to ask questions. If I had answers, I'd be a politician."

"It's important to have your private enjoyments because sometimes that's all we have."

"I often wear camouflaged pants so when I walk I look like a floating torso. I love with the same air of mystery."

"Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people."

"I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall."

"Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs."

"Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don't get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes."

"Unfortunately this Electric Monk had developed a fault, and had started to believe all kinds of things, more or less at random. It was even beginning to believe things they'd have difficulty believing in Salt Lake City."

"They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference."

"Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome."

"I may not be able to remember your name, but I remember your address and what time you leave in the mornings. Your name isn’t Rob, is it?"

"The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content."

"My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada."

"To Do Today, 1/17/081. Sit and think2. Reach enlightenment3. Feed the cats"

"Love is a boomerang dripped in honey, in that it emanates from me just as surely as it will return to me. Still, I think I’d much rather wash my hands and be done with it."

"Remorse among Thieves When a caught thief shows remorse he says to himself,"I knew I should pull off that heist differently."

"Knowledge vs. Wisdom [10w] + [10w] Knowledge is the understanding that you are what you eat. Wisdom is not eating a pussy with hair on it."