#humor

"Half-assing it twice isn’t giving it 100%, but both can be yours for the one-time low-price of half off. Also on SALE now: My love. Order yours today."

"Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you, of course, I mean me."

"I don’t want to be a supermodel; I want to be a role model."

"Tasers are a one-size-fits-all paranormal butt-kicking option. Mine’s pink withrhinestones."

"Politically, I feel out of touch, like I’m wearing gloves—boxing gloves. We need to go bareknuckle to beat back the entrenched establishment."

"It took less than an hour to make the atoms, a few hundred million years to make the stars and planets, but five billion years to make man!"

"What is God? (60) [10w] God's always the correct answer once you rephrase the question."

"Preston, I don't think this creature could ever find its way into your head. Quite apart from anything else, it seems pretty crowded and complicated to me."

"Right,"Sadie said. "And Set will just stand there calmly while I read him to death."

"If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."

"Prickly Pears [10w] Men are often like cactus fruits ~thorny outside,mushy inside."

"Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you."

"77 degrees in the fall feels cold, and 77 degrees in the spring feels hot. That’s why I’m selling year-round-nudity for half-price."

"You can knock on a deaf man's door forever."

"You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet."

"Why did he have to be so gorgeous? Why did he have to stand so close, and why did I still love him so much?"

"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."

"Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!"

"You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years."

"What One Vulture Said to the Other I have a bone to pick with you ~which end shall we start on?"