#humor

"You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway."

"Nomad {Couplet} When your roots grow from the outside in,home becomes whatever place you're in."

"Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”“Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?”“No!”“Me neither,” Leo admitted."

"Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die."

"It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right."

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer"

"I don't have a lot of domestic instincts,"Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, "but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file."

"I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it."

"Facebook's New Marketing Slogan "We can only be lonesome together.900,000,000 served."

"The 3 Most Powerful Words in the English Language for Every College Student [3w] Ilovepizza"

"The best defense is a confusing offense."

"Russian, Metafizicheskiy-poshlost This is the humorous metaphysical banality like watching Tolstoy's wife, Sophia, nag her husband about leaving borscht stains on the table linen. The resulting discombobulation totally messed up the ending of Anna Karenina."

"It called to him, a sweet heady beacon of femininity, fertility, and fuckability. His three favorite f-words."

"Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is."

"That’s what being alive is, Thing! It’s being badly prepared for everything! Because you only get one chance, Thing!"

"And I loved Fats Waller. I love his instrumental abilities, his vocal abilities and his sense of humor."

"I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead."

"Be kind to dragons, for thou art crunchy when toasted and taste good with ketchup. (Sebastian)"

"Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple."

"The Hand that Feeds You Don't bite the hand that feeds you ~unless you're in a haunted houseand the fucking hand isn't attached to anything."