#humor

"Dsylıxǝa Hey, it isn't cool to make fun of people with Dsʎlıxǝaʎou dɯub pircʞ ¡!¡"

"You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night."

". . I tell you Dain is a splendid catch. I advise you to set your hooks and reel him in.”Jessica took a long swallow of her cognac. “This is not a trout, Genevieve. This is a great, hungry shark.”“Then use a harpoon."

"Getting Real about the Eel It's not that eel wants to avoid commitment.From the eel's point of view, it is a matter of survival.Who the fuck wants to be with an eel anyway,when there are plenty of less slippery fish."

"I don't know how you persist in being so stubborn-""It's a superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive mule."

"Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent."

"That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery."

"I’m an only child, and therefore I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t even be parents."

"By all means continue destroying my possessions. I daresay I have too many."

"Embalming [10w] Injecting baking soda whitens, freshens, and softens the dearly departed."

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

"I grew up once, I decided never to do it again"

"His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,His hair is as dark as a blackboard.I wish he was mine, he's really divine,The hero who conquered the Dark Lord."

"The Jewish NOW There's no time like the present ~but in the future,who can say?"

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

"I’d fight for your love like I’m Tyler Durden. I want you to hit on me as hard as you can."

"Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend."

"How can a person deal with anxiety? You might try what one fellow did. He worried so much that he decided to hire someone to do his worrying for him. He found a man who agreed to be his hired worrier for a salary of $200,000 per year. After the man accepted the job, his first question to his boss was, "Where are you going to get $200,000 per year?"To which the man responded, "That's your worry."

"What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course"

"Fat Bungee Jumpers When I watch a fat woman bungee jumpI swear I can feel the earth leaving its orbit."