#humor

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

"So what? All writers are lunatics!"

"Battered Women [5w] Battered womenare more crispy."

"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."

"Dogs Playing Poker Art [10w] Poker-faced dogs looks like they're bluffing or need to shit."

"I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more."

"The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished."

"An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it."

"McGough: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've caught poetry. Mr Bones: Oh really? Well, don't worry, sir - I used to suffer from short stories.McGough: Really? When?Mr Bones: Oh, once upon a time ..."

"You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me."

"Tyler lies back and asks, "If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing?"I say, goodnight.The headliner hangs down in shreds from the ceiling and Tyler says, "Clawing at the lid of her coffin."

"Proof Proof of God's existence is as silly as proof of love's."

"Long Term Relationships [10w] Long term relationships should begin and end with a laugh."

"Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt."

"Moment of Truth 'Moment of truth' is derived fromthe Spanish momento de la verdad, that Hemingway epiphanous moment when the matador is about to kill the bull. Now it means the moment you realize you won't make it back to the parking meter before it expires ~sometimes expressed as, Motherfucker!"

"Invisible Attraction What's invisible to the eye is that as you move towards love,love moves towards you."

"My I love yous were watered down, which was how I was able to grow such a beautiful garden. I’m a relationship farmer, and I’m growing as a person."

"Natural Born Killers [10w] After their first,every soldier becomes a natural born killer."

"Marriage Material For women seeking a marriage partner,a man's sense of humor trumps good looks.Unfortunately for the funnymen out there,security trumps laughter."

"Past is Past [10w] Lovers should clearly avoid obsessing about each other's romantic past."