#humor

"Justin, honey, you were my very first kiss. My very first hand to hold. But you were nothing more than an average guy. And I don't say that to be mean- I don't. There was just something about you that made me need to be your girlfriend to this day I don't know exactly what that was. But it was there.. and it was amazingly strong. -Thirteen Reasons Why"

"Before It's Too Late [10w] Life's too transient to waste time hating ~plot revenge now!"

"Masochist [10w] A masochist goes to massage parlor seeking a tragic ending."

"And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don't know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil."

"Why do people always expect authors to answer questions? I am an author because I want to ask questions. If I had answers, I'd be a politician."

"How to End Racism [10w] The children of interracial marriages should look like panda bears."

"I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."

"That's brain tissue. How can you-?"Claire shut her mouth, fast. "Never mind. I don't think I wanna know.""Truly, I think that's best. Please take it."He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling grin. "I'm giving you a piece of my mind.""I so wish you hadn't said that."

"Scientists need to invent a way to make DNA work like in cartoons."

"The covers of this book are too far apart."

"You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with."

"I might have known,” said Eeyore. “After all, one can’t complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said ‘Bother!’. The Social Round. Always something going on."

"On a scale of 1 to extroverted, I’m a 3.14159. So is pi. I network like “the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter.” Thanks, Wikipedia!"

"Indiscernible Love [10w] True love's so effortless, others can hardly see it's happening."

"Athens, Texas Haiku Blackeyed Pea Capital of the World.Yup, just another shithole."

"You don't need a search warrant to go through someone's trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up."

"We got into an argument over the color of love. I said it was pink, and he said it was red. So you see, I had no other choice but to stab him."

"Tyler lies back and asks, "If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing?"I say, goodnight.The headliner hangs down in shreds from the ceiling and Tyler says, "Clawing at the lid of her coffin."

"Knocked-Up Kinda' Loven Marry, me, marry me, marry me,You better say, 'affirmative',Cuz you stuck a bun in my ovenand you haven't an alternative."