#humor

"I like pink."Lucius sniffed. "It's just red's sorry, weak cousin."

"The first step to running a successful business, is printing out pictures of all the luxury items you’re going to buy once you get rich."

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."

"Mary-Lynnette: "You have not read 'Pride and Prejudice'."Ash: "Why not?"Mary-Lynnette: "Because Jane Austen was a human."Ash: "How do you know?"Mary-Lynnette: "Well Jane Austen was a woman, and you're a chauvinist pig."Ash: "Yes, well, that I can't argue."

"There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. [10w] + {Couplet} Network TV's insistent stupidity to the Outer Limits pushes me."

"That was the funniest thing I'd heard in days.You're kidding, right? PLEASE tell me you have a stronger motive for me than 'fair is fair.' Life isn't FAIR, Dean....Nothing is fair, EVER. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I need to help you because FAIR IS FAIR? Try, 'I need you to help me so I won't rip out your spine and beat you with it.' I MIGHT respond to that. MAYBE."

"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."

"Please Don't Commemorate Me Just Yet [10w] The living are only commemorated when they're at death's door."

"You can change your mind, don't let your mind change you"

"The statement ‘There is nothing more American than an Indian’ happens to be a multidimensional paradox. Try and not say too many of those. That might open your mind to ideas that could cause sanity point loss."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it."

"Journalist asks me whether I can sit down for an interview... Sorry, I can't talk now. I'm busy writing up a storm.How about tomorrow?Sorry, tomorrow I'm bust conjuring up a tornado."

"Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental."

"You fuck - you ate my cat!"

"As a rule of thumb, it was always safer if the Commander-in-Chief formulated a risky plan."

"Your as slow as a fat kid on crutches"

"Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."

"Transubstantiation [10w] Transubstantiate digression into confessionand drink from poetry's Holy Grail."

"Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books."