#humor

"I got a zero. That’s like a perfect ten—it’s only one away from being flawless. Remember this next time you think you have nothing."

"Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know."

"McGough: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've caught poetry. Mr Bones: Oh really? Well, don't worry, sir - I used to suffer from short stories.McGough: Really? When?Mr Bones: Oh, once upon a time ..."

"I'm going to talk to her.""And how's that going to go? You're just going to walk up to her and say, 'Hey, I know you've never seen me before, but I'm your dad. Oh, and guess what? You've won the evolutionary lottery: You're a vampire. Let's go to Disneyland!"

"Now, I have nothing against the public school system as it is presently organized, once you allow the humor of its basic assumption about how it is possible to teach things to children...."

"...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened."

"The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup."

"Summer NYC ☜ʇɥƃᴉlɟ☞'ɥsɐp ɐ 'ɥsɐlds ∀˙ɥʇɐq ʍollɐɥs ɐ ʇɐ sʍoɹɹɐds ǝʞᴉlsɹǝlʞuᴉɹds ʇɐ uǝɹplᴉɥƆ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~Children at sprinklerslike sparrows at a shallow bath.A splash, a dash, ☜flight☞"

"Senility [10w] Senility's like a bottle of Coke that lost its bubbles."

"She asked for the time, and I said that information is for sale—by the slice. 60 slices in a whole pie."

"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."

"Comments Being the first to comment on a poem,is like breaking a bottle of champagneagainst the hull of a new ship."

"A Prayer God, be my light in pitch-black night;Show me the path from wrong to rightThat I might in Your hands be delivered later,Having eclipsed myself to become something greater."

"Um,"Doc said in a mild voice, "medically speaking, I'm not sure that was the most helpful thing for his condition.""But I feel better,"Jared answered, sullen.Doc smiled the tiniest smile. "Well, maybe a few more minutes of unconsciousness won't kill him."

"Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys."

"Why are they all staring?"demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students."Don’t let it worry you,"said Ron. "It’s me. I’m extremely famous."

"I was wasting my time, praying for love.For a love that never comes, from someone who does not exist."

"Male egos require constant stroking. Every task is an achievement, every success epic. That is why women cook, but men are chefs: we make cheese on toast, they produce pain de fromage."

"An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for."

"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any."