#humor

"I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell."

"I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one."

"Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it."

"I wrote an edible cookbook. The pages are made out of tortillas. It’s also the Book of Love. (Batteries and hot sauce sold separately.)"

"Don't Quit ❣ Don't quit on love and it won't bail on you."

"Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them."

"Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others."

"they=""use=""to=""be=""so=""sweet"=""[10w]=""Parent's should celebrate change in their children;they're growing up."

"Hmm…” Jason snapped his fingers. “I can call a friend for a ride.”Percy raised his eyebrows. “Oh, yeah? Me too. Let's see whose friend gets here first."

"Never doubt my weaseling abilities, Shadowhunter, for they are epic and memorable in their scope."

"And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl."

"Just relax and breathe through your ass."

"I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork."

"It’s me and you, or me and knitting. Don’t make me choose. Ugh, #love."

"Success is suffocating. The air is thinner at the top."

"If chance be the Father of all flesh, Disaster is his rainbow in the sky, And when you hear State of Emergency! Sniper Kills Ten! Troops on Rampage! Whites go Looting! Bomb Blasts School! It is but the sound of man worshiping his maker."

"I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose."

"The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it."

"We have seen the best minds of our generation destroyed by boredom at poetry readings."

"They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference."