#humor

"You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn't a bad mood at all; it's just your sucky personality."

"Every day I’m growing as a man. I’m not growing in height, but rather I’m growing in love, which makes me seem taller than I really am."

"Picnics are very dear to those who are in the first stage of the tender passion."

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button."

"I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards."

"While I've never read Scientific American, I'll bet it is pretty scientific. And American. Just like those prehistoric cave drawings in the south of France."

"God May Grant Your Wishes Daily [10w] Pray for sunshine at night and moonbeams when you wake."

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."

"Never memorize something that you can look up."

"You're not a woman,"he said finally. "You're the Grim Reaper with red hair!"

"Poet and the Fool {Couplet} {Limerick} The fool does his ego inflate,much like a poet does his oeuvre overrate.But the truth of the matter is that neither shit matters;harsh reality shall both nitwits deflate."

"I’ll sit on a soda and drink a sofa. It’s just healthier. You should see how I make love. Show starts at 8:00. Tickets are ten bucks at the window."

"Out of love for mankind, and out of despair at my embarrassing situation, seeing that I had accomplished nothing and was unable to make anything easier than it had already been made, and moved by a genuine interest in those who make everything easy, I conceived it as my task to create difficulties everywhere."

"Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything."

"The Delinquent Girl Chronicles Ages 7-11: Skip ropeAges 12-16: Skip classAge 17: Skip periodAge 18: Skip coming homeAge 19: Skip town"

"Southern Cat on a Hot Tin Roof Sure nuff, I'm happier than a cat on a formerly hot tin roofwhich now usesNXT Cool Zone® heat reflecting roof coating ~but I'm still ornier than a mule on loco weedand a whole lot hornier than a two-dicked billy goat.You gots any coatin' for dat?"

"Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?"

"The trick. . .is to find the balance between the bright colors of humor and the serious issues of identity, self-loathing, and the possibility for intimacy and love when it seems no longer possible or, sadder yet, no longer necessary."

"His hand snapped shut over the device and then he crossed his arms. Aria stared in horror. Her Smarteye was buried in a Neanderthal’s armpit."

"My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored."