#humor

"The Poet's Disease My body atrophies.My mind swells.Imagination's become my crutch."

"How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it"

"Love vs. Honeymoon [10w] Love is what truly begins when the honeymoon is over."

"The AP Stylebook is Useless {Couplet} I can't abbreviate abbreviation nor know how to initialize an acronym,I can find the contraction for contraction nor the précis for a homonym."

"Memory Foam [10w] She had an ass like an elephants memoryfoam pillow."

"Carlsberg: Probably the best lager in the world... ...just like IKEA is the best furniture on earth."

"Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment."

"I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts."

"I’ll finish the bottle of wine, while you finish what you were saying about how good it is. If you waste no words, I’ll waste no time."

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity."

"First bubble baths. Now Disney parks. You're shattering every creep vampire myth I've ever heard."

"If I ever form a clan, we'll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem."

"I quote others only in order the better to express myself."

"I wasn't saying whatever they're saying I was saying. I'm sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still don't know quite what I've done. I've tried to tell you what I did do but if you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy, then OK, I'm sorry."

"The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon."

"Butch tightened his grip on his cell and wished there were an app that let you reach through a phone and bitch slap someone."

"Networking isn’t synonymous with partying. If you’re doing it right, partying seems libraryesque in comparison."

"One Size Fits All Life Strategy Smile first.Ask questions later."

"National Rifle Association Credo [10w] God gave us two hands to holdan assault rifle."