#humor

"There's no trouble in this world so serious that it can't be cured with a hot bath, a glass of whiskey, and the Book of Common Prayer."

"I had a dream about you last night... I was a brick and you were a blanket. Damn that improbability drive."

"Free your mind from routine, keep your brain somewhere else"

"I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I'd damn well tell him myself."

"Eye of God [10w] The Hubble-Universe is a microchip in the Eye of God."

"I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird."

"Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back."

"I want to meddle with an Olympic medal made of silver metal. I want to alchemize it into gold, and use a mixture of science and mysticism to transform losing into winning."

"Adult Pretend [10w] "I'm tired of playing 'pretend';let's play 'get-real, bitch."

"Can't you just like a girl who likes you back?''None of them likes me back. I may as well like the one I really want."

"Holly's theory about the army,"Sharon explained.And what is it?"Denise asked, intrigued.Oh, that fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

"Evil Thoughts [10w] Believing 'You're either with us or against us' is evil."

"You're an idiot.""I've never claimed to be otherwise."

"Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream."

"He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet."

"01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep."

"Rhode Island State Motto Hope.Not much here but at least we have Family Guy."

"Atheism [10w] Atheism is the tragic triumph of cold contemptuousness over gratitude."

"Kaddish Kaddish for Mrs. Ginsbergis not Kaddish,For your mom raised a Buddhistand mine raised a Jew.You'll zazen for your loss,I'll daven for mine.I do not belittle your loss,your grief is no less than mine.But by abandoning your tribe, אלון,Who now will say Kaddish for you?"

"I wish I could climb the corporate ladder like I could climb a tree, but I can’t, because I’m afraid of heights. And bark."