#humor

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?"and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off."

"A tornado is the ultimate coffee grinder. Just add water, and you’ll wake the whole trailer park."

"It's snowing still,"said Eeyore gloomily."So it is.""And freezing.""Is it?""Yes,"said Eeyore. "However,"he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately."

"Hi-Yo Silver! Away! [10w] "Kimosabe, me wanna fuckum Pamela, pronto.My teepee's blue."Tonto"

"What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell."

"Sane is boring."

"Relatively Speaking [10w] The irony about 'relativism theories' is that they're relative too."

"I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight."

"Knocking on a door is so violent. Talk on the door. Try to get it to open up through communication, not violence."

"Because this absolutely insane - the craziest thing I'd ever done. Worse than giving a one-star review, scarier than asking for an interview with an author I'd give my firstborn to eat lunch with, more stupid than kissing Daemon."

"That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery."

"Maybe I should, I don't know leave? Because this is starting to sound like one of those reality shows I don't want to be in. Maybe you guys want to take turns in the confessional booth."

"Remorse among Thieves When a caught thief shows remorse he says to himself,"I knew I should pull off that heist differently."

"Don’t put off till tomorrow anyone you could be doing today."

"Leigh did what any sane female faced with such an e-mail would do: deleted it to resist the temptation of replying, cleared her trash to resist the temptation of recalling it, and then called tech support to restore all her recently deleted e-mails. (Chasing Harry Winston)"

"Witticisms The greatest reward for coming up with some witty turn of phraseis that some day, if you're lucky,it may wind up in a fortune cookieat the very Chinese restaurant you're eating in!But if you get a big head about it,know it wasn't the flattery,it was the MSG."

"Ooh..I want one"- BexThey're not puppies."-Cammie"

"No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's . . .""And?""No damn cat, and no damn cradle."

"Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and... reproduction."