#humor

"Jew in a Canoe Haiku Jew in a canoe,whitewater rushes, the canoe tips.The Jew doesn't."

"Preston, I don't think this creature could ever find its way into your head. Quite apart from anything else, it seems pretty crowded and complicated to me."

"You wash the horse, and I’ll wash the horse trainer. Then we’ll wash the dishes while we gallop into the sunset like two dirty lovers."

"I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die."

"I had a dream about you last night. We were plug sockets in the bedroom. We saw only a short part of their day, but we knew everything of it."

"It's not gray,"Clary felt compelled to point out. "It's green.""If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you'd have died in childhood,"said Jace."

"Informal HP Survey: Should Poetry Rhyme? O.K., readers, anybody who thinks poetry should rhymeplease tap your caneor jiggle your walker."

"Tasers are a one-size-fits-all paranormal butt-kicking option. Mine’s pink withrhinestones."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops."

"The Colonel led all the cheers.Cornbread!"he screamed.CHICKEN!"the crowd responded.Rice!"PEAS!"And then, all together: "WE GOT HIGHER SATs."Hip Hip Hip Hooray!"the Colonel cried.YOU'LL BE WORKIN' FOR US SOMEDAY!"

"The story so far:In the beginning the Universe was created.This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."

"The Poet is God When a poem's words perfectly fit,it has legs.When they communicate well,it has a voice.When they make you think,it has a mind.When the make you feel,it has a heart.Think about it.When you write a poem,you've created a person,with a distinct identityand an immortal soulthat you send out into the worldto possibly change the world.Now you know what it feels liketo be God."

"Well, that's an evil smile..."

"It’s me and you, or me and knitting. Don’t make me choose. Ugh, #love."

"Gabi to Marcus "I can't believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!"

"Eyes of Heaven To see through the eyes of heavenis to look upon your fellow manand only see the good in him."

"Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”“Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?”“No!”“Me neither,” Leo admitted."

"There's no need to clarify my finger snap,"said Magnus. "The implication was clear in the snap itself."