#humor

"If everyone wants to be somebody, I want to be somebody else"

"I went to a potluck. I brought my own pot—and luck. The pot was empty, just like my promise to bring food the next time."

"THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police."

"Anything that doesn't take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing."

"Do Me No Favors Haiku 'Do me no favors ~I can take care of myself.So, pay the check and drive me home."

"Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black."

"Orion brightened. "I have an idea.""Yes?"said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained."Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other."

"What does ‘hmm’ have to do with anything? Could you ever use more than five words? All this grunting and minced words make you come across—primal.”His smile tipped higher. “Primal.”“You’re impossible.”“Me Jev, you Nora."

"We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare.""Scrabble?"He sounds surprised. "Scrabble's great.""Not when you're playing with a family of geniuses, it's not. They all put words like 'iridiums'. And I put 'pig'."

"And someone, somewhere, was having an even worse time of it than me. I tried to keep that in mind. No matter how crappy your life, someone will probably beat you in the my-life-is-crap category. Not that I don't let myself whine a little now and then, but sometimes it's good to keep your misery in perspective"

"I had a dream about you last night... Well I say dream I mean nightmare... you were a Yankee fan."

"Instead of sidewalks, why not sideruns? After all, the pace of life is faster than it has ever been, so I think our infrastructure’s nomenclature should reflect that."

"Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain."

"Pussy [10w] Her pussy was heaven's gate and the backdoor of hell."

"Poets Hate Poets [10w] Poets hate poets who are more talented than they are."

"Moment of Truth 'Moment of truth' is derived fromthe Spanish momento de la verdad, that Hemingway epiphanous moment when the matador is about to kill the bull. Now it means the moment you realize you won't make it back to the parking meter before it expires ~sometimes expressed as, Motherfucker!"

"I’m late to dinner, but I’m early to being in love. I’m such a gentleman that I hold every door open—even if the guy sitting in the bathroom stall is protesting."

"Lend me your ears and you can borrow my mind"

"And if you say that's because you lot barged into her home like a herd of mentally deficient sheep, I'm disowning all three of you."

"I run like I walk—only slower. And I make love like a one-man circus show."