#humor

"You can't save everybody. In fact, there are days when I think you can't save anyone. Each person has to save himself first, then you can move in and help. I have found this philosophy does not work during a gun battle, or a knife fight either. Outside of that it works just fine."

"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly."

"Suicide Note [10w] "Don't ask why I committed suicide.Question why everybody doesn’t."

"I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends."

"I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure."

"Know yourself better than your opponent knows you, know your opponent better than he knows himself, know yourself better than you know your opponent, and know you have all this knowledge and you will be victorious. That’s the advice I’ll give my clone before I defeat him in battle."

"Death doesn't care about personalities - he's more interested in meeting quotas."

"I’ve never been in a yesterday quite like today. Seems like the perfect time to be in love."

"I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell"all the time."

"I morphed from a fly to a flower to a butterfly, which is like a combination flower and fly. I thought I was in love, but I was merely asleep."

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?"

"Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don't get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes."

"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."

"At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated."

"It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes."

"She would've been a good woman,"said The Misfit, "if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?""I though it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy's house at night and throw up in his mailbox."

"Snoring keeps the monsters away."

"I can hold my alcohol, just like I’m a wine bottle. I dance as fluid as glass, and my heart shatters just as easily."