#humor

"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last."

"You like them,"I realized.Noah's eyebrows lifted in question."Like as people.""As opposed to...furniture?""They're my PARENTS.""That is my understanding, yes."

"Area 51 [20w] If aliens were truly looking for intelligent life on earth,what the fuck were they thinking going to New Mexico?"

"Networking isn’t synonymous with partying. If you’re doing it right, partying seems libraryesque in comparison."

"In the action business, when you don't want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it 'taking cover.' It's more heroic."

"Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid."

"Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up."

"The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid."

"To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome."

"Never memorize something that you can look up."

"If you ever put a student at this school in danger again-''Oh, I thought you Gallagher Girls were immune to danger.'Despite the hundred girls the filled the foyer, no one moved or gasped or tried to defend our honor. We stood silently, waiting for our headmistress to say, 'Oh, we are quite used to being underestimated, Agent Townsend. In fact, we welcome it."

"This emotion I'm feeling now, this is love, right?""I don't know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you're with me?""Yes,"she said."That's influenza,"said Miro. "Watch for nausea or diarrhea within a few hours."

"It’s 4:00 in the afternoon and I’m just now putting on clothes. The life of a writer is as free as the pizza I just had delivered is not."

"Tomorrow is promised to no man, though I’m under the impression I have an earthly meeting with God on the day after tomorrow. So that’s nice."

"Cookie Cutter Criticism A critic tried to fit my sense of humor in a cookie cutter,but it wouldn't fit his preconceived shape of what comedy should be.So he pressed harder, and harder and harder until the cookie cutter cut a cookie shaperight through the palm of his hand.It doesn't hurt anymore when the critic tries to slap me in the face.There's no more hot-air resistance."

"We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience."

"I went for a walk this morning because the evening was still asleep. Well technically so was I, but that didn’t stop me from exercising."

"Mild Suffering vs. Great Suffering Mild suffering serves the purpose of inner-change.Great suffering serves the purpose of evil,or just being at the wrong place at the wrong time."

"I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires."

"Two Dust Storms or A Nice Pair of Haboobs A palm tree passes through a sandstorm, shakingoff the dusty rain like a wet dogon the less fortunate wayfarersburied in the sand."