#humor

"No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake, and they don't Think."

"Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself."

"I'm going to sell Flash Bang Wow Fuzz (not a drill) in a bottle, but I’m not sure how to market it. Maybe as a drinkable alternative to love."

"I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit."

"The Human Race Pleasure is the sprint.Contentment is the 5 mile.Happiness is the marathon."

"I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left."

"But Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two."

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

"A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise."

"Hypocrisy [10w] Religion without hypocrisy doesn't exist;that's man's imperfection, not God's."

"Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!"

"At church, during communion, they give out free wine. Whoa! Talk about a great place to drink and meet women."

"America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best."Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children."We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies."

"Fate [10w] The eternal point where our dreams intersect is called fate."

"Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?"

"French name, English accent, American school. Anna confused."

"I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious."

"When he finished, he drank from the cup. Everyone else did too, so I followed suit.And nearly choked to death.It was like fire in liquid form. It took every ounce of strength I had to swallow it and not spray it on those around me."Wh...what is this?"I asked, coughing.Viktoria grinned. "Vodka."I peered at the glass. "No, it isn't. I've had vodka before.""Not Russian vodka."Apparently not."

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher."

"Metamorphosis [10w] Change. Become the butterfly.Don't stay a caterpillar with wings."