#humor

"You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street."

"We spend money that we do not have, on things we do not need, to impress people who do not care."

"I don’t want to develop—I want to evelop, because it’s more positive. Similarly, would you rather your love evolve or devolve? That’s why if you need me, I’ll be on the sofa trying to evelop myself as a person."

"We made love like two coiled up fire hoses. When there’s no fire in the romance, why not act like a couple of sleeping snakes?"

"Mmm Mmm Good Gimmick Campbell's Soup announced todayit's introducing 'QWERTY' soupfor our more computer literate children.Who are they kidding?They're just relabeling the old Alphabet Soup."

"Pond(er) This [10w] Nobody wants to be:'Big fish in a little pond."

"My parents are going to kill me!""That seems rather harsh..."

"If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want."

"That Jesus Kinda' Love [20w] What people do for the loveof their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,I wouldn't do for my fucking mother."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

"It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-""You invented the internet?"It was my idea, Martha said.Rats are delicious, George said."It was my idea!"Hermes said. "I mean the internet, not the rats. But that's not the point."

"Whisper into My Good Ear [10w] "Pour your fears, fantasies, desires into my ear of corn."

"I want to be the founder of a #startup app called Quid Pro Squid. No idea what it will do, but if I can get enough users, VC money will flow."

"I had just heard tales that the Valkyrie were large warriors, akin to Amazons.”“If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?"

"I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...”“Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore."

"Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?"

"Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited."

"She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met with her 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' sir."

"Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!"Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!"