#humor

"Me,"Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell."I'm the nut!"Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said."

"I spent most of my youth hauling sides of beef and pork to my father's shop. Carrying you is far more enjoyable.""How sweet,"Annabelle mumbled sickly, her eyes closed. "Every woman dreams of being told that she's preferable to a dead cow."

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

"I am Dead, but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it."

"Someday is not a day of the week."

"Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom."

"I wouldn't marry Giddon to save my life,"Katsa said. "Not even to save yours.""Well."Raffin's eyes were full of laughter. "I'd leave that part out."

"An empty stomach is not a good political adviser."

"If I was on the road to Hell, at least I was going in style."

"So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family."

"Cynics are simply thwarted romantics."

"You don’t need batteries for an introduction. Buy my Networking in a Box today and see for yourself. (Handshakes sold separately.)"

"Extra Crispy Deranged Free Range Chickens "Hey, I may be delusional in believing you're delusional,but one thinks for sure, the person who bothers to read this shit is delusional."

"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."

"when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you"right under your nose."

"My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?"

"Your stepfather? I'd like to meet him."Oh no... why?"I'm not sure that's a good idea."Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line."Are you ashamed of me?""No!"It's my turn to sound exasperated. "Introduce you to my dad as what? 'This is the man who deflowered me and wants to start a BDSM relationship'. You're not wearing running shoes."

"I past another telkhine, who was so startled he dropped his Lil' Demons lunch box. I left him alive - partly because he had a cool lunch box..."

"I always listen to you. Except when I don't."

"I was just shy of reaching my goal. My goal was to be more extroverted, so being just shy meant I completely failed."