#humor

"I'll drive like my grandma. I'll drive like your grandma.""You wouldn't say that if you knew my gramma."

"This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch."

"Forget [10w] {Couplet} Let's lift our goblet of regret,forgive, forsake and forget."

"When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car."

"I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!"

"It's not gray,"Clary felt compelled to point out. "It's green.""If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you'd have died in childhood,"said Jace."

"First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend"

"I’m so restless when I rest that I make sleepwalkers look like statues. If The Thinker could run 26.2 miles, it would need a baseball glove to catch me."

"The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you."

"New Year's Resolutions New Year's resolutions shouldn't be about doing new things;it should be about stopping to do the shitty things you're already doing."

"I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end."

"Since I don't smoke, I decided to grow a mustache - it is better for the health.However, I always carried a jewel-studded cigarette case in which, instead of tobacco, were carefully placed several mustaches, Adolphe Menjou style. I offered them politely to my friends: "Mustache? Mustache? Mustache?"Nobody dared to touch them. This was my test regarding the sacred aspect of mustaches."

"Vengeance, Thy Name is Woman Betrayed women aren't exactly vengeful,but they aren't exactly anything else."

"The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her."

"People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't."

"Getting Real about the Eel It's not that eel wants to avoid commitment.From the eel's point of view, it is a matter of survival.Who the fuck wants to be with an eel anyway,when there are plenty of less slippery fish."

"A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away."

"Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt."

"Hypocrisy [10w] Religion without hypocrisy doesn't exist;that's man's imperfection, not God's."

"Oy Vey Haiku (g)Nat's sphincter clenched.The skinhead asked, 'You a Jew?Minyan's one man short."